All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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