Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
