He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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