So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
