How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
