You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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