I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Gay?
German.
Pity.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
