I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
