I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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