we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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