my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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