The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
