We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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