My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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