This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
