i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
