you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
