Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
