barbara walters just said penis...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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