I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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