Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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