I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
