if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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