last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
