Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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