Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
