peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
the raccoons are back...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
