I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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