my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
