My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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