So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
