I think I am morally bankrupt
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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