I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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