I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
