I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
