Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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