Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
