Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
