I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
