So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
