he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
