I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
