she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
