my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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