the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
