I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
