I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
