Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
