she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
