sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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